S.A.G

I was born on January 17, 1997. 

I was given the name of Saige Audre Geertsen.

I am a middle child with two older sisters and two younger sisters... As much as I have always wanted a brother, I wouldn't change a thing. I love my sisters.

I grew up in Utah and lived in San Clemente, California for a solid 4.5 years. I miss California a lot, my 1st period class was surf and then I would go to school and then after I would go to work at Ripcurl, a surf shop, as one of the only girls that worked in the wetsuit room. Miss that a lot. But there are amazing things about Utah I absolutely love that you don't get in California, like the mountains, and yes I say "Mountain" like a Utahn. I moved back to Utah April of 2013. It was hard, and I was in denial, but it was possible, and I am really happy. Life should be lived, traveling.

I'm kind of like an excited puppy. If I'm super excited or you make me laugh too hard, I will wet myself, I have accepted that as my lifestyle and I think that you should accept me for that too... Cause I probably won't be able to change it. lolol. 

I've come to conclusion that blogging is a really good way to vent and get all my emotions out.

I've learned so many different things about myself and new ways to handle emotions cause of blogging.

I've learned that no matter how hard we try to be perfect, no one is perfect, nor ever will be, at least for right now. 

This is the end, but not really cause I will continue to blog...

Its been real, and good.

Thanks for all the support/comments through my venting moments and everything else, lol.

Saige Geertsen 

ALONE.

ALONE.

ALL. HUMANS. FEEL. ALONE. INDIVIDUALITY. HAS. POTENTIAL. FINDING. DIVERSITY. MAKES. IT. FUN. HAPPY. PEOPLE. SUPPORT. AND. HELP. CHANGE. LIVES. MAKING. AN. IMPACT. 

Numb Heart.

My once warm heart is now numb.

How did this evolve?

I let myself fall in love.

You're so cold and I hate the cold.

With every hug you gave-turned my heart to chills.

Those chills soon became chilling icicles, Before the cold water dripped created a cold little ice tear.

That ice soon grew over, and took over, my heart, causing it to go numb. 

And i can no longer tell what feelings I'm feeling.

What I would do for a heart so warm and surrounding. 

Oh what I would do...

All because I fell in love.

Standing Here.

Standing here.

The wind blowing at 60 miles per hour causing the trees to shake and the earth to quake, and I'm standing here.
The earth revolving around the sun and soldiers dying for our freedom, still I'm standing here.

People getting married, People getting divorced, People singing, People shouting, People crying, People running, People dying and I'm standing here.

The clock is ticking while I'm just standing here.

I think that Its time for me to take a step and move through nature.

Because there is so much freedom in nature,
It won't tell me what to do and what not to do.
It will allow me to do what ever I want.
So much understanding behind it.
So much compassion, and many answers beyond nature.

My next step from just standing here is to take advantage of this sweet living nature.

It once was what it now isn't.

You are what I thought you weren't.

I miss that part of you.
But you are you now.
And I can't do anything about that.

I don't like when I feel like I can't help anything.
I don't like that I literally feel numb, and physically get sick.

I wish it never happened but it needed to, and I'm happy it did.
But why was this the case.

It's never been this bad.

I'm so weak.
I'm so weak.

I miss the innocence.
I feel as if I reach far enough that I could bring it back.
But I guess part of growing up is missing things.

I wish I never left, maybe I could have helped prevent a load.
But what about me?
I learned so, SO much when I was gone, and am so strong now, when maybe if I stayed I wouldn't be able to do for you what I could now.
Possibly.
Probably not.
Maybe.
I don't know.

Sadly the old you is majorly missed.

I know more about you than you think I know.
And I wish you would know your damn worth.

I want to erase everything that happened and start new.

"flooding with emotion, love is holding me tight."

Take me back to the young years now, please. Theres a lot I want to change.

You appeared as fast as breathe fogs up the glass window,
but left as quick as it faded.

You left me broken.

Wake Up

Good morning Beautiful Sky and Sun.

To the fresh air that brings myself to a state of renewal.

To the shooting star I wished on the night before that keeps me holding on to each new day.

To the wind that blows and causes the crisp fall leaves to slowly flow and abound in a small ditch on the grass.

To the neighbor that smiled giving me confidence in that today, is going to be, a good day.

To the mountains being a physical and visual reminder that I can climb up steep hills and make it to the top, creating a better view for me to choose on which way I want to head down and live my life. Or maybe I'm close enough to clasp onto a cloud and let it carry me to an unreal world full of my sweetest fantasies that refreshes my mind and holds me up showing me how much better life can become if I just let go of the world and keep reaching out to and holding onto that cloud.

To the cloud that I believe collects my prayers that I pray every night.

To the wood burning smell that brings winter just that much closer.

To the snow that glitters in the most perfect, most flawless shape.

To the water that fills me and begins to hydrate. 

Gone.

Its all gone, I now abound in the life of death.
a contradicting concept.
I no longer can smell that smell, or hear that sound, or see that sight, or touch that object, or sing that song.

Its all gone.

I'm living today, because I am going to die tomorrow. 

-Did my belly flip? 
-Am I doing anything I might just regret?
-Have I been alive while life is in my presence?
-Or am I okay with death, because I am just so used to living a dead life? 

~Wake up~

I Fear.

My Rationally Irrational Fears:

Haunted Houses.
Scary Movies.
Zombie Apocalypse.
Burning in a fire.
Freezing to death in snow.
Drowning.
Stepping on a nail.
Getting hit in the head and forgetting everything.
Getting cut in the eyeball with glass.
Being alone outside in the dark.
Holding my breathe under a boat.

Speaking my peace that no one will ever understand.

Trying to help the unhelpable.

Caring too much.

Forgetting about myself.

People acting a certain way around me cause they think I care that they're not really perfect.

People thinking I am who I am not.

Stupid boy.

Stupid Boy! 

Or am I the stupid one? 

I went for it. Knowing it was going to end up all wrong and guess what... 
IT DID! 

But he is so stupid thats why this whole thing happened.
But Im so stupid for knowing it wasn't going to end right and I kept on pursuing it. 

K cool, Its not that hard to move on, theres like 75 billion other guys in the world that I would be compatible with.

Sucks cause I want you. Still.

I thought I could change you. 

~Never go with that attitude~

Say something, I'm literally giving up on you.

Actually don't, because with every single word that pours out of your mouth, creates a dark and utterly confused ocean that spins around in my head so fast creating a whirl pool, that I'm stuck in the middle of, "Whats that mean?", "He must want me.", Okay, what?", "So he doesn't want me?", "But he said this, so he has to!". I'm so done. 

I don't need this. You're probably reading this thinking, "You obviously know you don't need him so why not let go and just forget about him?" 

Thats what this is, Me completely moving on.
My farewell.

Stupid love. like. lust. 

Whatever the crap it was. 

"Letting go is hard, but sometimes holding on his harder." 

Well Shoot... Life Happens, I guess.

Well...

I messed up.

Not because I wanted to, but because its the only option I had.

I was scared so I had to hold on.
I guess I shouldnt have held on so tightly, but then I would've been terrified.

The end result of this... Is not what I wanted.

And I guess I didn't mess up cause, what I thought was... Wasn't.

So now I have regrets, because I fell for the wrong thing,
while holding on so tightly to the right thing.

If you are confused by this... Ha well I am too.

Instructions:

FUN:

These are instructions on how to have fun:

1. Dress however you want to.

2. Talk in a different accent.

3. Do 35 summer salts down a hill and get real dizzy.

4. Jump in a pool of bouncy balls.

5. Prank call your enemies.

6. Dance.

7. Spin around in lots of circles till you fall down and hit your head and get confused on why it didn't hurt.

8. Sing.

9. Cha Cha

10. Go sledding with your best friend.

11. Be carefree - Its a lot more fun that way. 

Automatic vs. Stick Shift

Everyone around me is so automatic.

I'm Stick Shift.

They're controlled. 

I 'm manual and do things on my own

 and when I think its time for a new gear, 

I shift that myself. 

2 pedals making them 2 dimensional. 

Ive got 3 pedals making me 3 dimensional.

Always wanting the smooth ride.

I believe you learn more from the bumpy ride. 

Learn to drive stick, life will start to make more sense. 

In The Season of Loneliness

Cotton Candy Love

You may disagree to the fact that I think cotton candy is an abstract concept, 

You may think that this bundle of candy floss just dissolves and is not something you can hold.

You can see it, touch it, feel it, taste it, but once you have tasted it, you can no longer see it, touch it or feel it. 

Cotton candy is a bundle of heaven, or a perfectly shaped cloud in the sky. 

Once it hits your tongue, it becomes like love; unholdable and untouchable.

Over time, it dissolves as if it were never there. 

Love can once taste so beautiful and just melt in your mouth, but the taste almost never lasts... It just fades. 

~That's when you go for a new flavor~

This cotton candy that was once just a concept has become THE perfect abstract concept.

Need A Little Time

The worst thing in life is to misunderstand,
and to be misunderstood.
Luckily, we have time.
Time is the best revealer and the best healer. 

Just What If

You ever wonder what if?

What if there were no cars

What if there were no houses

What if there were no trees

What if there were no food

What if there were no water

What if there were no ocean

What if there were no mountains

What if there were no sky

What if there were no color

What if there were no stars

What if there were no clouds

What if there were no Earth

What if there were no gravity

What if there were no rocks to skip

What if there were no fish to fish

What if there were no technology

What if there were no animals

What if there were no time

What if there were no GPS

What if there were no fear

What if there were no care

What if there were no happiness

What if there were no light

What if there were no darkness

What if there were no hurt

What if there were no jokes

What if there were no money

What if there were no music

What if there were no (your favorite thing)

What if there were no touch

What if there were no life

 no oxygen, no people, no love.

~Nothing but you~

If not, You should wonder, and then Think about what you should be more grateful for. 

AMOR

LOVE: AN INTENSE FEELING OF DEEP AFFECTION. 

I’ve felt Love in my life two times before. (not including family, etc.)

In those two times of my life, I have learned things about myself that I wouldn’t have if I had never experienced what followed.

I learned that I am a lover. (yes, an intense feeler and affectionator)

I learned that I get attached easily after my walls have been pulled down.

I learned that I care too much. In fact, I care more about that person than I do myself. 

I learned that I would do anything for someone else in my own free will.

Their needs are more important than my own.

I learned that You can love more than one person in life. Even if you don't want to love somebody else.

I learned that communication is the number one thing you need or else it won’t work out.

I learned that I am very loyal. (I might even be more loyal than I need to be) but I am. 

But what matters most is that I learned. 

Love is a teacher.

Love is a believer.

Without love lies the unknown.

Love is a feeling.

Love is essential.

Love is blind.

Love is forgiving.

Love is selfless.

Love just freaking is. 

I Am

~Humankind~

Human-

(Teaching,

Learning,

Preaching,

Discerning,

Breathing,

Seeing,

Wanting,

Taunting,

Seeking,

Thinking,

Moving,

Talking,

Walking,

Hearing,

Helping,

Feeling,

Smiling,

Laughing,

Crying,

Loving,

Rejecting,

Frowning,

Jumping.)

-Being 

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

Thunder and Lightning is what music to my soul is.
It crashes and flashes and each bolt of lightning brings me to remembrance of my child hood.
When I used to set up chairs and sit with my dad under our balcony, we would watch it for hours. 
The rumbling sound is so exciting, yet so calming.
Most people feel uneasy, where I feel secure, and safe. 
It reminds me that the Earth that I am living on is alive.
Like the Earth has feelings of it's own.
Sometimes I think Earth is out to get someone bad, might just strike someone. 
Or sometimes I think that God wants a picture of all His children so He sends a rumble for a funny face and a flash of lightning to get the perfect lighting. 
All alone, It's like comfort... Like someone is there. 
That's what Thunder and Lightning is to me. 

Lyfe

Happiness is so easily accomplished as a child.

The way the clouds form into the shape of an animal is the coolest thing.

Your hopes and imaginations are what life is made of.

Rolling down a hill, getting up and running as fast as you can is so fun. 

Playing house with your best friends with paper dollar bills, you're literally rich.

cookie dough every meal because your weight doesn't matter to anyone.

No social media to worry about.

You literally live for no one else but yourself as a child.

Seems like it will be so slow til you turn 16 and get your license but you still have a countdown.

All of the sudden you're working 3 jobs, going to school, and an adult in 5 months. 

There's still happiness, just a different kind.

Crayola Crayons

"Life is about

using the 

whole box of 

CRAYONS.

Get creative,

get colorful."

Surfer Girl

It's 7 in the morning, I pull on my wet suit, tie the leash around my ankle grab my board and charge. 

The air has not yet developed it's full temperature. There's a certain thrill I get when I notice the water is warmer than the air outside.

 Duck dive, the first time I go completely under water through a wave is the moment I realize that from that day on, I will never stop wanting that satisfying feeling of a renewed being that I now feel that I have become. The waves are calm as I wait for the next set to come. Between the first set and the second, as I sit upon my board in the middle of the ocean, there's a state of serenity I am hit by. I realize I am more thankful for everything than I ever have been. I want to embrace every soul in the entire world! It's a state of peace in my mind that no one, not even anything, will harm me.

 I open my eyes, here comes the first wave of the set, flip my board around in one movement wait til the wave is right where it needs to be so that I can begin to paddle, ready, set, GO! As I paddle, I realize that I... Myself and the ocean are compromising. It's a human vs ocean coordination. As the moving wave of water lifts me, I jump up one foot in front of the other, I'm up!

 As I glide on the face of the wave, I now realize that life couldn't be better. 

That's just a portion of who I am.